Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
