i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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