dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
