do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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