listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i've created a new STD.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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