i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
