I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
