She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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