How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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