so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
