I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
