Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
