What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
