So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
