I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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