I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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