I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
