We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
