Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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