when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
