Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
