my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Never underestimate the power of titties
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