I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
