My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
