If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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