Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
