I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
