Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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