Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
