just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
