nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
