you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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