i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
