At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
