I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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