awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
