forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
