I just threw up on my dentist
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
