i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
