What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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