I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
