did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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