I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
