Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
