OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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