9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
