I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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