You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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