I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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