I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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