why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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