ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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