Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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