First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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