Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
