I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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