he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
my liver is dry heaving
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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