Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You're like the curious george of whores
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
how do you play pong handcuffed?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
