It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
